Feeling Of June

For me, June is synonymous with starting afresh, new beginnings brimming with potential, prosperity, and a smidge of loneliness.

The thought of a clean slate is exciting and encouraging – in April, in May, but come June, there are so many emotions and tensions brewing within me, that some days I feel like I could just explode. Like a balloon greedily filled with too much air or pieces of Lego stacked atop each other, one after the other, overestimating the strength and capacity of the pieces below. Today, I feel like the first piece of the Lego tower.

As days inch closer, eagerness metamorphoses into anxiety; the wait slowly becomes a countdown of doom. Suddenly, you lose a sense of identity because what you once told people about yourself,

who you are, and what you do, was all a lie. You’re a liar.

You’re not interested in any of this. You have no ambitions, no desires, no goals, and all you want to do is snuggle under your comforter and sleep away till the bright and sunny days have transformed into peaceful, boring nights.

You asked for this, you wished for it one night many years ago, but today, you’re a changed person.

You don’t want any of this. You want your old life, where there was no first day of school, of work, no new beginnings, and no starting afresh.

Until you find yourself in the middle of July, with no idea how you got there, when the time has passed, and a new feeling you’re experiencing, one that you weren’t expecting. Of comfort, familiarity, of knowing where you are and what is expected of you.

Suddenly, there’s no anguish, and sitting by the window panes, smudged with racing rainwater trails, isn’t depressing but somehow aesthetic. A little hopeful. The smell of rain.

You realize that maybe, somewhere, somehow, this is a badge of maturity because you’re a new person now, embracing an environment that just one month ago was utterly foreign to you.

Funny, isn’t it?