One Year On: For Everyone Who Lost a Loved One to COVID

One Year On: For Everyone Who Lost a Loved One to COVID

Last year, we published a story for everyone who lost a loved one to COVID. You can read it here – https://beyondthepanorama.com/for-everyone-who-lost-a-loved-one-to-covid/

Sometimes, you never really forget, and a lot of the times, you never really forgive.

Last year, we wondered if what people say really holds true, ‘time will heal’. One year later, we’re in a better position to come to terms with what that means. That statement is more of a consolation than a guarantee, that things were difficult back then. But that doesn’t mean they get any easier. 

Maybe a better way to put it would be that time is like a medicine, it sets you on the path of recovery, with or without your willingness, and one day, depending on how intense your illness is, you will heal.

Grief is like an illness, except instead of aches, pains, and fevers, you experience hopelessness, helplessness, and loneliness.

Last year we saw greys, desperation, a mad hunt for oxygen tanks, and cries for a hospital bed, like an apocalyptic cloud that shrouded the whole world at once; but in hindsight, it wasn’t the whole world. There were millions of people who went through what we did, and yet no two experiences were alike. In spite of the collective trauma, we felt so alone, like it was only me who had to brave the world and fight the storm. 

It seems silly to say we’ll meet again in another world.

It sounds futile to tell our children that their mom, dad, sibling, or even friend is a star up there. One year on, it sounds impossible even to our own ears. 

But that doesn’t mean things haven’t gotten better. When tragedy struck, it felt like the end of the world, like you could never even speak about the incident without breaking down. Today, I’m narrating my experiences, although with a heavy heart, but with fondness in my tone. Yesterday I couldn’t even think, but today I’m remembering. And when someone tells me, ‘it gets better’, or ‘you will get through this’, I know they are not speaking from ignorance, rather from lack of experience. I have understood that they cannot fathom the trauma we have experienced, but it is no fault of theirs; they are still coming from a good place.

So, don’t stop sharing, don’t hesitate to speak out just because you feel like no one cares, they simply don’t know how to help you through your grief. Just like you didn’t know how to help yourself once upon a time.  

Yes, the sadness and loneliness comes in spurts.

You could be sitting in a garden, having a perfectly good time on a busy day, and suddenly your mind is racked with memories. Then you’re thinking of life in the present. What it is like today versus what it could have been had the person still been alive. Suddenly, the future seems gloomy. Now you’re back to the agonizing day last April, a summer you can’t get out of your mind. But tomorrow, you will still wake up in the morning, pack a bag, lunch, and get out of the house, because you know you still have someone to live for. That someone being you. 

Last year, we ended on the note – ‘let’s make it for their sake,’ and look how far we have come. The lessons we have learnt this year will stick with us for life.

I’m certain that next year, we will be one step ahead in our path to healing. 

Daadu, if you were still here today, I know the exact smile that would have graced your face as you congratulate me on publishing another article. It’s something I can’t stop thinking about. 

Nandini Sethi
Nandini Sethi

Sometimes dolefully insightful, sometimes plain distressed state of mind, but always love. I think there’s a bit of love in everything we write.

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